Sunday Celebrity Synopsis - Installment 3

Good morning to the two fans I have left since I've been such an absentee blogger. I hope you are having a fabulous Sunday. I am going to get right to it with my gossip news, so here we go.

1. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split. Can I get a "who cares?" This relationship lasted approximately 4 months longer than I expected it to. She's a pushing-40 (not that there's anything wrong with that), once divorced desperate woman dumb enough to try and have a relationship with one of music's biggest "playas" (not players, though I do like some Mayer music now and then). Once you start getting a little older you should be a little more serious (and wiser) in who you chose to date, and she did not make the mark at all. Aniston, will you ever learn?
2. Tori Spelling's nursery for her daughter revealed. If I were that baby, I'd have chronic stomach problems. Pepto Bismol pink. Seriously? There are hundreds of designers in L.A. who would have been more than happy to accept your cash and do that room right. Next time, use some of the little inheritance you have left and let the professionals do the dirty work, m-kay?
3. John Edwards admits adultery. What a scum bucket! I know he doesn't fit into my usual category of "celebrity", but I feel I must comment. Number 1, you are one of history's biggest a-holes if you're going to cheat on your cancer-stricken wife. Number 2, wifey, you're an idiot NOT to throw his $400 haircut @ss out on the street, presidency or no presidency. And number 3, aren't you supposed to trade UP when you cheat? I thought that was the rule...
4. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush talk marriage. Number 1, I could care less. Number 2, that marriage would be illegal, because with a booty that big he'd be marrying two.
5. Felicity Huffman tried on Madonna's thong in the 80's, and it didn't fit. OK, now this is just buck nasty. Girl, you NEVER try on other people's underwear, and especially not a THONG! Even more than that, especially not MADONNA CIRCA 1988's THONG. There's no telling what diseases you probably picked up. I shudder at the thoughts of it.
6. Busy Phillips has a baby girl, names her "Birdie". Add that poor kid to the list of celebru-spawn getting a playground beat down. Are you trying to get some sort of retribution for what your parents named you? If so, that's just mean.
7. Jennifer Love Hewitt loses 18 lbs in 10 weeks. This just pisses me off. You were a role model for normal looking women everywhere by embracing your natural curves. Then you just HAD to submit to Hollywood pressure and get thin. I wouldn't have so much of a problem if you'd lost the weight in 6 months or a year, because that shows you want to get healthy. But 10 weeks? You let them get in your head, and you are now out of my heart.
8. 14-year old Ali Lohan (Lindsay's little sis) reportedly gets a boob job. La Lohan, I don't care how pissed you are over these "lies" that people are spreading about your sissy, but I've gone through puberty, and I'm pretty sure you don't go up about 3 cup sizes over a summer without a little slice and dice. Correct me if I'm wrong, ladies. And if she didn't and that IS a padded bra, tell me where you bought it, because sista needs a lift.
9. Diddy says he could be a "sex Olympian". Um, ewwwww? That's one gold medal I'm not helping you win, because you are nasty and ridiculously self-absorbed.