Sunday Celebrity Synopsis

Today marks the first edition of a new "column" of mine that I'd like to call "Sunday Celebrity Synopsis". I am a shamelessly huge fan of celebrity gossip, and I feel this will be a fun way to run down some of my favorite celebrity headlines of the week and provide a little commentary to boot.

Let's give it up for this week's headlines:

1. Nicole Kidman gives birth to a baby girl. I am excited about the news, but not so much about the name. I am a fan of hers, not just because I think she's a good actress but because she's one of the few Hollywood starlets that seems to have a decent head her shoulders. But Sunday? Really? There are books with 356,000 baby names and that's the best you could come up with?
2. Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves have a baby boy. I am "stoked and wowed" that you chose not to give the little tike some celebri-fad name like Apple Crisp or Delta Pilot. Levi is a great name. I'm sure he'll be a great dad if he can tear himself away from smelling his manly, deodorantless essence, taking his shirt off, surfing, drinking Bud Light, and getting mugged by Nicaraguan locals after boozing it up and hitting on every piece of ass he sees.
   
3. Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce fiasco. Who the heck gives a crap? And who, in the Lord's sweet name, would EVER consider cheating on a supermodel with a tweeny bopper? Someone has some serious problems above and beyond a Lolita syndrome.
4. Madonna "breaks up" A-Rod's marriage. I think I could cut and paste the above to apply here. A-Rod, your wife was beautiful and gave you two sweet girls. What are you doing in cahoots with Madonna (for ANY reason, not just for alleged, eye-burning, brain-scarring boo-tay)? She's rich and a decent singer and all, but you already had it all. Now, I'm seriously doubting that they actually slept together, because, ewwwwww, but if your wife just had your child two months ago, your @ss had better be home worshiping the ground that she walks on.
5. Justin Long and Drew Barrymore split. Boo freaking hoo. Who didn't see that coming? Drew's track record reads much like Elizabeth Taylor's, so it was only a matter of time. I didn't really believe the thing in the first place. The Mac guy and Miss Free Spirit. Not the weirdest of couplings in Hollywood, but definitely unusual. Don't worry Drew, you'll find another soul mate soon.
6. Fake photos of Angelina Jolie posted. Um, DUUUUHHHH. The people who believed these were real are some of the biggest idiots around. Notice the first picture. This is Angelina Jolie. Those are her two FREAKING HUGE TATTOOS on her stomach. Now take note of the second picture. This is a terrible Jolie wannabe. Notice that there are not two FREAKING HUGE TATTOOS on her stomach. If I were eight months pregnant with twins and I had two huge tattoos on MY stomach, then those suckers would be visible and stretched to astronomical proportions. What a bunch of morons some people are.
7. Courteney Cox to join Scrubs for three episodes this fall. I'm not so sure what to think of this one just yet. She'll be playing the new Chief of Medicine, and I think I'll keep imagining her in Monica mode. If so, those are going to be some scrubbed up patients.
8. Chris Martin defends his and Gwyneth's choice in baby names. In his words, "a name is just a noise, and if you like it, then f--k what everyone else says." Chris, it'll be hard to "f--k" what everyone is saying when your kids are getting their @sses beaten regularly on the playground because you thought naming your kid after fruit was cute. This also goes for you, Jason Lee (son Pilot Inspektor--because it wasn't weird enough already, you had to go and add the K. What a douchebag.), Nicholas Cage (son Kal-el--named after Superman), and Penn Jillette (daughter Moxie Crimefighter--I sure hope she's good at crime fighting, because it'll come in handy defending herself from schoolyard beatdowns).
9. The Bachelorette chooses a man. If you're looking for info, that's as much as you'll get. I think the show (and most other reality shows) are retarded. Sorry.

That's all I got for this week. Other stuff happened, but it's midnight and I have other things to do. I hope you enjoyed your first installment! Let me know what you think.