Sunday Celebrity Synposis - Installment 2

We had another exciting week in Celebrityville. Let's not waste any time with our coverage of the weeks biggest stories.

1. And baby makes seven...and eight! That's right, sports fans. The long awaited Brangelina progeny have arrived. Knox Leon (yeah, he'll get his ass kicked in grade school) and Vivienne Marcheline arrived via C-Section on July 12, each weighing around 5 pounds.
2. And their first baby pictures are said to be worth at least $11 million. Dude, you can HAVE my kid for that much. (Just kidding. She's priceless, and if you try to take her I'll hunt you down like a dog.) What kind of people are we that we'll pay such ridiculous sums for a shot of a BABY?!? For that much money you can clone Brangelina yourself and stare at them all day long if you want. At least the money is going to charity.
   
3. Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman split. I guess all that f**king Matt Damon and Ben Affleck finally wore the wacky couple down. Not that I care, because I HATE Sarah Silverman (watching her show one time on Comedy Central was the biggest waste of 30 minutes I've ever had).
4. Helena Bohnam Carter walks her baby. Not so much news as a commentary. If you're going to push around your baby in a $3000 "pram", the least you can do is dress the part. And Birkenstocks and general hippie attire are not that. Just sayin'.
5. Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban reject all paid offers to photograph Sunday Rose. Can I say "You Go Girl!" I want to see pictures of their oddly-named tyke as much as any other Celebu-Nazi, but I totally understand and agree with their decision. This is a child, and a newborn at that, and some things need to be left sacred.
6. Kate Moss says that she "behaves like a teenager" and is convinced she won't grow old. Uhh, DUUUUUHHHH! Cocaine snorting anorexic anyones very rarely live to be ancient cocaine and heart-pill snorting anorexics. Way to think that one through, genius.
7. Britney Spears and K-Fed settle their custody battle. Can I get an amen? It's been nice not seeing the media flooded with her crazy shenanigans, but some part of me misses betting on what s**t she was going to pull next. Oh, and K-Fed, aka "Father of the Year," gets primary custody. Never thought I'd see the day where some rapper-wannabe who mooches off of pop royalty be the one coming out on top, but this is 2008. Never thought we'd see $5 gas, either, but look-a-dee-doo. (P.S. She has to pay him $20,000 a MONTH for each kid. What in the h-e-double hockey sticks does a 2-year-old need with that much money? Really.)
8. Salma Hayek calls off her engagement to French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinnault. Can you say sperm donor? And why? Salma, you are one of the most beautiful actresses around, and you chose HIM to be the father of your child? I sure hope you were going on brains, because he sure as heck doesn't have the brawn. At least we also know you weren't marrying him for the money. I guess it doesn't buy you everything.
9. Another person joins the 90210 spin-off. Can I get a "who cares?" I never really liked the show when everyone was young and hot, and I definitely won't know that they're older, wrinklier, Botoxed, and scuzzy (Tori Spelling). I'll be saving my time for something more valuable, like trimming my toenails or waxing my bikini line.
10. Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian. This is definitely old news, but I feel I must make commentary. Lindsay, my actress namesake, if you are going to putt from the rough, would you at LEAST choose someone hot? Because unless you take a close looks your little lover could pass for a dude. You're a hot, young, former felon. The least you could do is date someone who looks your part. And P.S., how is it that people can make a living AND become famous in Hollywood by spinning a few discs in a swank L.A. bar? I did that for free at a college radio station, and it sure didn't get me the hook-ups.
11. Khloe Kardashian spends 173 minutes of her 3-day jail sentence for DUI in jail. Sweetheart, nobody cares about any part of the Kardashians except your sister's big @ss booty. Stop following in Paris-Lindsay-Nicole-Mischa's footsteps, get a job, go to college, and get the heck off of the E! network. We're sick of you and your sister's juicy double, already.

That's about all I have time for tonight. I'm off to watch Vantage Point with the happily-returned hubby. Mmmm, Matthew Fox....