Dear Self

Dear Self,

You need to be reminded of something very important. You are 27, not 19. That means that if you decide to treat going to a football game as a big huge (frat) party you will not be able to or have the ability to recover like you used to.

You will not be considered cute if you are yelling (stupid made up) cheers at the top of your lungs whilst wearing an excessive amount of orange. (Unless, of course, you are the naive and impressionable 11-year-old sitting behind you repeating them with a smile at every chance.)

You do not indulge in adult beverages with any frequency anymore, and as a result are not able to consume them like you used to when you do.

As a result of these things:

You will not be able to lounge around all day in your jammies chugging Pepto and popping Advil.

You will (more than likely) not be able to sleep in until noon.

You will, however:

Still need to fix your child meals,

Play with your child,

Remove yourself from the couch, at some point, even if it's just to eat.

Keep these important lessons in mind the next time you think it is a spectacular idea to start tailgating at 9:30 in the morning when you are used to finishing breakfast with your daughter and watching another episode of Sesame Street.

Remember them again when you think it is a wonderful idea to leave at halftime because your team sucks today and go to your husband's local haunt with his buddies and have another round of Car Bombs.

And don't forget it when you are forced to go to bed at 9:30, a mere 15 minutes after your own child went to bed, because you stomach can't handle sitting in bed watching reruns of LOST.

Remember these things, or we're REALLY going to make you pay next time.

Sincerely but without much love,
Your head, stomach, and ever-aching 27-year-old body.

P.S. Thank your lucky stars that your child was RIDICULOUSLY cooperative with your childish stupidity by doing the following:

• Allowing you to lounge on the sofa watching Flip That House and Moving Up so your stomach could recover
• Accepting two fewer bedtime stories and three fewer songs than normal because rocking her before bed was making you sick
• Not yelling and whining a whole lot
• Sleeping in until 10 AM until her father actually had to wake her up

You are an angel of a child with a sweet perception of what your stupid Mama needs. It won't be happening again. We'll make sure of it.